Sunday, August 19, 2007

immature


Here's a write-up I found while tidying up my folders :)) I think this was written during summer. Read up if you're into all the teenage drama and shit. It's for all immature girls- including me:

Should I be putting on make-up right now?
I mean, I'm almost seventeen, AND entering college,
And, come to think of it, that's what most girls my age are currently up to- or have been up to for years now.

So, should I be putting make-up?
Seriously, should I?

Is it just me, or am I being (or have been) very, extremely left behind by all my sixteen-going-on-seventeen supposed to be buddies? It really feels like I'm stuck in 2002 where I'm always and forever will be 12, while the rest of the girls have already headed off to the Glam Girl World of make-up and high fashion and clubbing and getting wasted.

Really.

And it's bad enough that I already feel twelve, but I actually have to look like one too. I'm short, buttfull and chestless- perfect symptoms of a child just about to hit puberty. But the truth is, I think I've, somehow, already had. Way before, although no one, not even me, has seemed to notice it. It hit me alright-its effects just not as evident as I expected it to be.

Yeah, well so I'm childish- what's the big deal?

Apparently, it feels like the biggest deal in the world right now.

I mean, I used to feel okay. I actually used to be proud of myself being all Peter Pan-ish and not wanting to grow up. Insisting to be a child forever- foot propped up at the dinner table, still fancies a brand new Barbie once in a while and all.

So, yes, I was really confident about myself. I was, used to be. Now I really hate the idea. I always tried to compare my immature self to the same-aged-but-doesn't-seem-like-it girls who're particularly gifted at juggling boys, partying and drinking all at the same nights, and I used to feel sort of better. Well, nothing against them of course, and I really mean it. It's just that I like the way I am- babyish, close-minded, and very much twelve-like.
I'd rather dress up some Barbies than puke all over the sink because of a few drinks.

But now is really different. I see myself, and I know that I'm sixteen (and still not acting like one, if I do say so myself), but others don't see me that way. And vacations to other countries don't make me forget all that. It makes me remind the predicament even more, if anything.

For instance, we go inside this mall, enter and exit shops after shops, and I see these bunch of petite but pretty looking girls with completely made-up faces, revealing tank tops and ultra short shorts. It looks like they've set their sights on every guy that will or might believe that they're much older than they really are.
Of course I know they're, what, 13? 14? - despite the really commendable efforts. That given, and I still look so much younger, with my greasy, messed up hair, a weird statement shirt, and jeans that make me look figureless.

Yes of course, I know that maturity isn't based on whether you look as old as you really are, but can be, more or less, based on intellect, emotional stability, responsibility. Yet, I seem to be lacking in both.
Seriously.

It makes me sad.

Not the kind of sad that really matters, but just sad to know that I'm not acting my age. I'm still oblivious to a lot of things that girls of sixteen, and even my classmates, are very much aware of right now. There are a lot of responsibilities that I should be doing (or at least working on learning them) right now that I haven't even dreamt of doing even when I'm older.

I can't even stand washing dishes and I hate putting the plates back to the kitchen whenever our mom reminds us to do so, saying "It's the least we can do to help". I've always thought that I can just hire a helper to whip up a dish for me and whip it out of my sight just as quick. I haven't made an effort to do housework, or learn how to handle money. I don't know cook a single thing outside the 'put it in a microwave' area and can't even pack my own things for a holiday without managing to forget at least about ten things I should've brought along.

I find, and this is only now, that I've never really given myself a chance to depend on no one else but, well, myself. And I've never trusted myself to do so. I've always thought I'd fail anyway, and afterwards someone has to do those things I've tried to do myself, for me- which therefore ruins the whole point of being independent and self-reliant. I've never embarked on something for myself, by myself. It's always just been for myself and by somebody else.

Looks are easy. I could wear hell heels to school everyday to put on a bit of height, and have a shopping spree at the Body Shop or Beauty Bar or wherever to give myself that perfectly fake look on my face. I could have my hair styled and have my bra stuffed. Whatever, right? Anything to look mature. But really, maturity? It's not entirely that.

Maybe girls my age can go to sophisticated parties and be very well-mannered and can cut the tough piece of steak on the pristine white dinner plate without accidentally thrusting a utensil out of their hands because they have learned some things in the past that I haven't. Maybe, they can pluck their eyebrows and perfectly shape them with their eyes closed, or know exactly where to apply their cheek tints to make their look 'the-girl-next-door' natural, because they've dealed with more important stuff before, and they're just polishing maturity off by attending to the littler details.

I for one, have yet to do that. I'm way, way away from the world of beautifying and dating, and taking an interest in boys and wearing whatever it is that looks sexy (not that I want to, anyway), but first, I have to stop and brush my shoulders for a little bit. Maybe be a wee more polite, a great deal more selfless. Put my chin up and start dealing with grown-up stuff - real stuff, just in case. Stop dancing around like a five year old in public places, and stifle a small giggle instead of a boisterous, ultra-noisy, insensitivity-filled laugh.
Small but sure steps to be a little older. Of only for a few weeks or a few months, what the heck? They are still steps which get me there faster.

And sure, I'm off to college. Some of my blockmates might even think I'm this genius who got immediately accelerated to freshman year of courses and majors. All of the girls will have been busy dating and looking hot while I'm sulking at one corner, wishing I could go to a bookstore at that moment or something unbelievably immature. I still don't care much for all the clubbing and the boy-toying and the romance wrapped on the already complicated whats-it called life, but it might be to my advantage. After all, it's only a matter of time until I become one of them. Or at least, decide if I want to anyway.

And surely, when I've started cutting a steak right and have managed to still lay off the booze and all, I'll look a teensy-bit older. Probably out of the stress, maybe?

Who knows, right?


Devious and Twisted,

Therese

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Friday, August 17, 2007

envelopes


Another poem I didn't intend to write but just wrote because the idea came to me at the strangest time: while drinking my meds.

I look at all the envelopes
But none of them's for me
I just wish, among these bank accounts
That one of them's for me

I mailed myself a letter
But it never came to me
I'm lonely and neglected
Mr. Postman forgot me

I licked the stamps a week ago
And held them up in front of me
Then I sealed the envelope with a wish
To re-find its way to me

The letter I have written
Are lonely messages for me
But I look at these bills and realize
Pathetic, little me
'Cause I just wish, among these bank accounts
That one of them's for me

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in memory of my old blog
ijustcantshutup


it's still lost there somewhere in cyberspace

do take a visit.

oh yes, thanks to nicki for the loverly html-ing. all hail :))


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omigesh i want one too!







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previous posts
~ Chasing Love (Original Song)
~ To Save The Planet
~ Dumb and Dumber-er
~ To My Good Pimple
~ The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Trophy
~ A Boy And A Bullet
~ I Feel Unloved
~ Single, Ready To Mingle?
~ Fuego
~ Stupid Americans
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008


random reads
randomness
my Deviant Art account: where photography is humdrum
my multiply: click for weirdness
lemony snicket: my hero
roald dahl: twisted
dr. seuss: for those who dare eat green eggs and ham
amazon: life's just like one
wikipedia: where you find everything.

crazy cousins
ate meg: adventure diva
ate che: misyoo

suckish schoolmates (kidding :))
ces: katotong hudas
koko: psycho
trixie: confused
kar: gossip girl mate :))
nikki: the white witch
paula: # 1 DJ
ella: great thoughts
hannah:donato
via: THE dancer
poj: kapits! :))
aiafafs: YA astig? :))

gem: gottalovedogs
danica: kitty witty?
krista: *yaya?*
nicki: html goddess
alex: the ultimate GENIUS
jescia: in LOVE
cha: bulang-guguuuuu!
joan: ee
frances: olan
phyl: reech keed?
yna: ahoho
danie: superrr
lori: nator
marion: busmate!
ate nica: harmoNICa (?)

some teachers
ate min: banaag '05
sir trogo: trogi the pogi
miss jennie jo: juniper

freako friends
ace: ex-shsian
odi: lonsquared
tar: ness
kuya rics: mr. pang-asar
CJ: virus ka
mara: kapits 2

YA Astig
dannie: delandanners
noel: rarr!!!
mica: woah no
louise: surfer girl
elyse: the great
anjo: anti-social?
theia: HMM?
paolo: lindt lover daaaw
ate marion : super dancer
angel: pedo! :)) joke
fin:ina
frances:arcilla
bianca:virina
josef: boy genius :))


face it, sucko.

i'm the hero of fools.

all quoted.

"The sad truth is that the truth is sad."

"It's amazing how people are always willing to listen to a man in a funny costume"

"People don't always get what they deserve in this world"

"You can not be a supermodel."

"I'm beginning to think that washing my face is a complete waste of time"

"Most women would rather be Cindy Crawford than Marie Curie"

"The world is a harum scarum place."

"If a guy is witty, charming and artistic, he is probably gay."

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaraunt, filled with odd waiters who bring you items you never asked for and don't always like."

"In relationships, it is best to assume nothing."

"Not only am I very intelligent, but I am also very smart."

"Hey, I heard your friend died"

"Yea"

"Well, don't feel bad. He's an old guy, and that's what old guys do. They DIE."

"Certain things they should stay the way they are.You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know it's impossible but it's too bad anyway."

"I remember how, a couple of days ago, you and I killed a couple of hours with a computer game. Perhaps the game amused me more than it did you; I desperately needed a little respite from all my thoughts. But each time we 'died' in that game, a new screen immediately came up, and we were off again. How can we know that there isn't a 'new screen' for our souls as well? I don't think there is, I really don't. But the dream of something unlikely has its own special name. We call it hope."

blasto fasto. congratulations, reader, you've clicked the scroll button long enough to have reached the part that nobody dares to reach. now buzz off.

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